Category Archives: Spirituality

Moving on, moving up, moving over. Moving.

By last Thursday, I was a shell of myself.  Tired, cranky, and nearly constant heart flutters that the doctor is totally unconcerned about, unless I start having other BIG BAD SYMPTOMS. The four day weekend couldn’t come soon enough.  I dropped my son off at preschool on Friday, came home, sunk into my chair and contemplated my to do list.

I moved, “go to sleep” to the top and did just that for 3 1/2 hours.  I remembered that sometimes low magnesium can cause heart palpitations and popped a supplement, which I haven’t even remembered to take for months now.  A few days of rest, supplements, and things are getting clearer to me now.

There is too much noise in my life.  The noise inside my head with its constant litany of what I have to do for school which is a never ending list that should not reasonably be expected of one person. The noise of others political opinions when my mother tells me in the middle of the McDonald’s playland “When you wake up and realize what HE (Obama) is doing, you let me know,” or when an unemployed relative posts nonsense about the (nonexistent) 28th Amendment and I can’t quite walk away from Facebook fast enough.  The noise of teaching in a politically intolerant atmosphere where “I voted for Obama” has to be as closely a guarded secret as something that is shameful and criminal.  The noise of trying to refind my spiritual center in the middle of a life that is structured in such a way that for me, it is simply impossible.

Changes need to be made.

I asked a dear priest friend once, “how do you know when it is time to move on?”  He told me, “If you listen carefully, you really will know.”

It’s time to move on.  I need to find my peace again.  I need my future to look different than my present, and I hope it’s a wonderful ride.

If not, I’ll have to send my mother a postcard from the new communist state and tell her “you were right.”

Sunday Confessional

When I began my previous blog, I envisioned using it as a place to explore issues and how they affected or were affected by spirituality.

What I quickly figured out is that religious people are a judgy-judgy people. I didn’t want to post anything that could be misconstrued and later used against me in my community.  So, of course, I never posted anything but the most bland of feel goodie kind of stuff.   I didn’t need my most personal of business spread around my workplace.

Like all people, I have real struggles: spiritual, emotional, physical, etc.  You do too.  It’s part of the human condition.  We can only discuss these in spaces that we consider safe, private (even if the only privacy is based on our total anonymity), and secure.  We can discuss with utter strangers that which we dare not utter to our own closest friends.  We face judgement from our friends which stings; but judgement of strangers can sometimes be enlightening if we look at it as an impartial view point.

So here is my Sunday Confessional.

My marriage is struggling and I don’t think my husband even realizes it.

We have been married six years this month.  We married only six months after we met and I spent a lot of that six months in prayer.  I was convinced that this was the man I was meant to marry and I still believe that with my whole heart.

Our marriage has faced a lot of obstacles.  Our child, though a source of joy, has chronic medical conditions (allergies, seizure disorder) which keep us constantly in a heightened state of anxiety.  My husband was in a terrible car accident when he was 15 years old and was in a coma for a month afterward.  I do not know the extent of his brain injury but I can guess that the medical care he recieved in Africa in 1991 wasn’t top level.  He is quiet and secretive.  After all this time he still thinks that the details of day to day life are his to know alone. I have to resort to CIA Waterboarding techniques to extract the most simple information from him and sometimes I just shout “I give up,” because the energy required to find out when his doctor’s appointment is just isn’t worth it.  He is reserved and stingy with affection.

I’m not gonna lie.  It’s hard when I look down the long lens of what my future holds and imagine 30, 40 years of my current day to day life.  But I wonder where Daddy W would be without me?  I love him and I want him to be the best human he can be, and I think our marriage does that for him.

This flawed man, my husband, may already be operating at his optimum capacity.  I can’t ask more of him than he can possibly deliver.  Can I continue to accept him where he is and love him to the best of my own flawed ability?

This tweet came across my stream this morning:

I continue to pray for my husband…that God continue to help him be the best he can be and that I can accept his best with love… that the gap between reality and my expectation can continue to narrow.

What do you need to get off your chest?  Use the comments as your own confessional….